A Normal Day in the Hewitt Residence
by OldWorldWriter
Summary: Mostly humor. When Hoyt's home, everything is strict and nobody slips up, but when he is out...hell breaks loose. Crossover with the original and remakes. R


The sun was bright and the day was cheery. But in the Hewitt Mansion, nothing was cheery or bright. Old Monty sat in his wheelchair, yelling orders to Shiloh and Zeke who were hurling insults back at him. In the kitchen, Drayton and Luda-Mae were arguing on how to cook the latest family of victims. Jedidiah was running around the house, playing tag with Nubbins, who whined everytime he was tagged. Thomas was in the basement, cutting down another victim, the saw buzzing throughout the house.

Henrietta and the Tea-Lady were on the front porch, drinking their beloved tea. In the cistern, Alfredo and Tinker were disposing of the bones and remains down into the ground. Nothing between the two of them was ever quiet or friendly. Tinker stuck his hook in front of Al's face and said, "Confront me again and I'll turn you into a damn car engine."

Alfredo spat at him and said, "You shut up, my dick can turn more tricks than your fucking machinery, Tech."

Tinker kicked him in his nuts, bringing him to his knees, squealing like a hog. Tinker then said, "Your dick can't turn anything anymore."

Alfredo, breathlessly, looked up and said, "You goddamn...motherfucking...son of a bitch!"

Tinker smiled as he scooped out a lump of human fat into the hole and said, "I know that Mama taught you better than that."

Alfredo got up to attack him, and Tinker hit him in the face with his heavy hook, knocking him out. Tinker laughed and said, "That'll shut you up, Al.

Back in the house, Drayton was setting the meat to cool as Luda-Mae was adding vegetables to the pot on the stove. Drayton looked at her and said, "Thats the wrong additives, you need a fruit of two."

Luda looked at him and said, "I been cooking for 30 years, more than you can say, Drayton Sawyer!"

Drayton turned the meat up to high and said, "I'm a 2-time chilli award winning cook, thank you very much."

She looked at him crossly, then said, "We don't cook your sissy chilli here in Fuller, we cook real food, stews and roasts."

Drayton shook his head and got back to the meat. THen he turned around and said, "Ya know, I've had to take care of Robert, Nubbins, Bubba, and Granpa for more than you have with Tommy and your men."

"So?"  
"So, I've got less time to prepare exquisite meals for the big-timers out there, besides, if Velma hadn't of died, I'd be out there right now, cooking for contests all over America."

Drayton looked saddened, Luda-Mae came up and wrapped her arms around him. She then said, "It's not your fault, Drayton, Velma just had to go...we all do eventually; but you raised her kids up from nothing."

Jedidiah looked at Nubbins and said, "Your it, Nubby!"

Nubbins frowned and said, "Damn it, Jed, can't you ever be it...just once?"  
Jedidiah shook his head and replied, "No, you gotta tag me, then its my turn."

Nubbins then began to chase after him, but it wasn't for fun, it was in anger. Jedidiah didn't know Nubbins was angry; he thought he was just playing. Nubbins grabbed a razor and continued after Jedidiah. Jedidiah laughed and said, "Nubbins, calm down!"

Nubbins ran faster and faster, until Jedidiah stopped on the 2nd floor in front of a window. Nubbins ran forward, until they crashed out of the window, and down onto the table that Henrietta and her friend were using. Henrietta stood up and said, "Nubbins and Jedidiah, what are you doing?"

Jedidiah looked at her and said, "Momma, Nubbins is trying to kill me!"

Nubbins stuck the knife in his pants and said, "No I wasn't, Henrietta, he was just trying to make me for to get in trouble wiss you."

Henrietta looked at them and said, "Boys, play nicely or else..."

The Tea-Lady cut in and said, "Or else I'll eat you both with my tea and cakes."

She picked them up and kissed them both on their cheeks. Then she put them down and went back to talking with Henrietta. Jedidiah looked at Nubbins and said, "I'm going inside for a while, wanna come?"  
Nubbins shook his head and ran to the back. He pulled out the knife and cut into his hand.

Monty yelled, "You two are dumber than a bag of fucking coon cocks.", as Shiloh fell over Zeke trying to fix the T.V. and arrange things. Shiloh looked at him and said, "You shut the fuck up, Monty!"

Monty rapped his cane on the floor and said, "If I had my legs...I'd...I'd...!"

Zeke looked at him and said, "You'd what, actually take a shit by yourself?"  
Monty gritted his teeth and said, "Your pa catch you talking like that, he'd tan you hides!"

Shiloh looked at him, then he whispered to Zeke, "I tell you what, Zeke, the second he falls asleep, we castrate him."

Zeke nodded, Monty looked at them and said, "You two little shits got a problem with me, say it to my face!"  
Zeke looked at him and said, "Okay then, we're gonna dump you out in the middle of the road tonight and leave you for the buzzards, cousin!"  
Monty snarled at them and said, "Just wait till i get over there, you little assholes."

He began to wheel himself towards them, waving his cane. They slowly walked past him, making him shout.

Suddenly, the door swung open, Nubbins came in with a bloody hand. Drayton stopped cooking and looked at him. He then said, "Nubbins, why do you do this to yourself, buddy?"

He looked up and said, "You leave me alone, nobody likes me, not even my own mother did!"

Drayton frowned and said, "Luda-Mae, take care of him please."

Luda came up and took Nubbins to the bathroom to dress his wounds.

Then the door opened again and Hank appeared with a bloody chainsaw and a bag dripping with blood. He then said, "We got some quality food here, Dray and Luda-Mae, hehehe, get it on the grill."

Suddenly, a book flew in and hit Hank in the face, knocking him cold to the ground. Monty had thrown the book to hit Shiloh, who was behind Hank, as Zeke slapped Monty on the top of his head. Tinker came in, dragging Alfredo behind him, with a rope attached to his hook.

Drayton looked at him and said, "What the fuck happened to him?"  
Tinker smiled and said, "He picked a fight he couldn't win."

Alfredo woke up, just as Jedidiah ran over his head to get away from Henrietta, who was almost killed by the knife that Monty threw at Zeke. Zeke ran into a door, that knocked him back into Shiloh, who fell into Nubbins, who fell into Monty. Monty head-butted him into the recently woken Hank. Drayton shook his head at them, as Luda-Mae ran towards the food and said, "Drayton, your not supposed to burn the meat, you cracker!"

Drayton turned red and said, "Well, your not supposed to leave your vegetable unattended, Luda-Mae!"

The basement door slid open and Thomas came out in his newest mask. He walked in as everybody argued and objects flew around the house. He quickly turned around and went back into the basement. He got down there and sat in a corner, in the water, covering his ears from the noise. Thomas was still like a big kid, despite being in his 30's.

Tinker was arguing with Alfredo, while Jedidiah and Nubbins wrestled around the house. Luda-Mae and Drayton argued around the food, until they began to throw additives at each other. Hank was being knocked around like a pinball; and they all were attempting to dodge the knives and items shelling around the house from Shiloh, Zeke, and Monty. Out front, Henrietta and the Tea-Lady were chatting abnout the day and sunny shine. The whole house was in an uproar of words and sounds.

Then Henrietta noticed a sheriff's cruiser pulling up the road. She gulped and opened the door, she looked at the whole mob of relatives fighting and arguing. SHe then yelled, "EVERYBODY, HOYT'S COMING!"

THey all stopped, just as Zeke delivered a smack to Monty, who was choking Shiloh, who had Hank in a headgrip, while Nubbins and Jedidiah were up against a hole in the wall. Alfredo and Tinker were about to kill each other with knives, as a food-stained Drayton and a flour coated Luda-Mae were arguing big time.

They all quickly got up and tried to the best of their abilities to straighten everything up. The car pulled up to the back door, Sheriff Hoyt got out of his prized car and carried the shotgun in his hand. He took off his sunglasses and his hat as he entered the house. He walked inside the pantry, where noticed the large freezer full of meats and foods. He smiled, knowing that his family would be fed for the rest of the week, he was about to open the door, hen he noticed a few teeth on the floor. He picked them up and held them in place of his missing front teeth, smiling and putting them in his pocket.

He opened the door, as everybody looked up and saw him. He smiled at them and said, "Hello Momma and family, is dinner ready yet?"

They all sat down to the table and put on their best smile. Tinker, Alfredo, Monty, Shiloh, Zeke at one side. Luda-Mae, Jedidiah, Nubbins, Henrietta, and the Tea-Lady on the other. Drayton sat at one end, as Hoyt sat at the other. Luda-Mae then said, "Hoyt, say grace please."

Hoyt bowed his head and said, "Dear God in High Heaven, we ask that you bless this meal, this house, and this family; because I know they did your will and made the best of your glorious day you gave us...Amen."

Hoyt sat back down and said, "So, what the fuck did ya'll do all day...?"


End file.
